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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.